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I almost can't believe how many times in the recent months I've had to yell internally, "PLOT TWIST!" and just… get on with it. . . … What I really wanted to end that sentence with was "just… embrace the suck." I've been stressed and down for a bit and, for someone who's already prone to depressive tendenices, it's almost been kinda scary. But part of me owning my voice is owning this, feeling shame and speaking the truth anyway . . .Somewhere in those plot twists, I've lost myself. People can be scared to turn into their 30's and what I can say is, yeah you have to be ready. It's a time where if you haven't learned the lesson yet, life is really gonna teach you. At least that's what it's been like for me. I've learned and I'm still learning a lot, particularly about relationships and what I want out of life – almost too much for a short span of time. And I've lost myself more than I thought I'd be able to. . .I received an energy healing the other day and the healer said that she got this image of me straddling a fence where on the other side was quicksand and the other side was fire. She said, obviously you want to get out of the fire and I have 🙏🏼 I'm still feeling the heat, I'm realizing how stressed out I really was. She also said, just hold on a bit longer and soon there'll be no more quicksand, and there'll be a huge bucket of water. The good news is, I'm in a place where I can really believe that it's possible. . .To be honest, I didn't really feel like sharing much at all. Because I’m ashamed, sadness can feel like you failed at life somehow. But I am sharing, in an effort to have this experience move through me and heal. I’m trying a lot of things 🙏🏼 Calling on the Universe. I know You’ve got me 🙏🏼
This has been me, for a little bit of time now. Enough time for me to be a little worried, but not enough time for me to despair.
I’m not too worried because this isn’t my first go around the bend. I’ve never been diagnosed because… I don’t really want to identify myself with any condition and have that define who I am, or how people see me – nor do I want to discount the very real and more intense experiences of those friends I’ve known with diagnosed clinical depression. But, yeah, the truth – All my life I’ve had depressive episodes. Sometimes lasting for a day, sometimes months, sometimes shallow enough to easily break through, and sometimes it was like I would never feel happy again. I remember being a young kid and having a few moments where I actually thought, I need help. And I’ve had some of those moments as an adult too.
I’ve accepted this cycle of up and down and see it as a part of life – because brushing it off has never ever served me. In a way, I can organize my life by those episodes. I see the moments of sad numbness and gray tasteless everything… And then I see the actual moment when I felt the sun start shining in my mind again. It’s its own reward, observing all the goodness that came from just sticking it out and not giving up on myself — all the things I was able to accomplish, all the learning, all the love that I always knew was there but actually felt now coming from everywhere and everyone.
All I really had to do was believe that I was stronger than I thought.
… And give myself the tools to have that strength break through and up like a seed reaching for the light.Continue reading